Terry Levine | Noggin Advertising | Copywriter | Digital + Direct Writer | Blogging | Toronto | Canada

MY TOP 6 WAYS TO MAKE FLYING MORE ENJOYABLE.

Last month I boarded eight flights to seven cities in five countries across 12 times zones on five carriers in 25 days and clocked 44,757 km.

Putting aside my dismal carbon footprint at the moment, it was an interesting exercise in the delights (and mostly horrors) of flying. So here now are my 6 ways to make flying better:

1: Just let everyone board the damn plane: In theory, this zone business where those in the back of the plane board first makes sense. But in practice, it's useless. Business class passengers, the elderly, and parents with children and way too much carry-on luggage get to board first and they just end up being in the way as soon as the first zone piles on. Add to that those seated near the front (like me) who try to board early and those clueless people who board two minutes before they close the doors -- these are the same folks looking for seats in the movie theatre as soon as the trailers start -- and it becomes quickly apparent that there's no truly efficient way to board. Let boarding be the survival of the fastest.

2: Offer everyone a hot towel -- near the end of the flight: Singapore Airlines generally had the best service and was the only carrier with towel service but it's provided too early. I don't need to wipe myself off at the start of the flight, I want to do it after seven hours of recirculated air and Ebola virus have seeped into my pores and my soul.

3: Splurge on earphones: Hey airlines, if you're recycling them, how about you offer passengers a pair that actually drowns out or muffles the sounds of crying children. Which brings me to...

4: Ban crying children: Okay, I know. You can't really ban them but someone has to seriously do something about their parents. When I was a child, if I got rowdy in public, my mother served up the look of death. The look of death, in case you're unfamiliar with it, is that icy glare that warns you that if you continue your socially unacceptable behavior, there will be hell to pay at some to-be-determined time and place. Apparently sometime between my 20th century childhood and the 2010s, parents either decided they don't care or don't believe it's their place to tell their children to shut the fuck up. My flight from Sydney to Perth on Virgin Australia was the most memorable in this regard -- five full hours of wailing, whining, seat belt buckle clacking and this close to a little girl's projectile vomit. In large planes in particular, airlines should attempt to herd all families with children into one of those zones I mentioned in #1, then hermetically seal them for the duration of the flight. And in addition to earphones, airlines would be well advised to hand out pacifiers, since parents apparently no longer bother using them.

5: Design a better seat: With the billions of dollars spent by Boeing and Airbus developing state-of-the-art flying machines, you'd think a few million would be set aside to devising a seat that cradles your head and neck in a comfortable way. This might not be a problem if you're short, but I suspect anyone over 6-feet finds it impossible to relax on a plane.

6: Actually forget the seats: How about developing a technology that puts you to sleep for the duration of the long flight and wakes you up just before you land. If they could do this in the fake future of Planet of the Apes and Alien, it's time someone do it, now in the real future.

Richard Branson, you in?

 

THE EMPEROR HAS NO STORY: MORE THAN 140 WORDS ON 'ONCE'.

I love art. I appreciate design, photography, painting, furniture, clothing, cuisine, storytelling, and it makes me warm inside when I experience beautiful things. But some things I just don't get. I know much art is subjective and deeply personal but certain kinds of it simply make me feel colorblind.

I can't, for instance, tell the difference between Spanish or French or Australian wines, nor could I tell you if what I'm drinking is complex or unctuous. Grey Goose tastes no different to me than Smirnoff or Absolut. It tastes good or it doesn't. Beyond that I am alcohol-autistic.

Abstract expressionists like Mark Rothko make me feel like I've been conned. I understand that there is a certain artistic journey that went it works like his but it still looks like nothing.

Poetry usually gives me a headache and so-called classic literature brimming with overindulgent descriptions and angst-ridden characters bores me. If there isn't a compelling plot, you might as well waterboard me. It's the only way you're going to keep me from falling into a coma.

Which brings me to the musical 'Once.' Reviews for this Tony award-winning play include "a love story played with fierce sincerity and unexpected honesty" and "pure, moving, inventive and irresistible." Apparently it's also quite complex with an unctuous bouquet.

The only raw emotion I felt half-way through was a desire to crawl into bed. Yet I was clearly in the minority. Much of the audience was clapping and stomping at the folksy musical performances and laughing at the apparently witty dialogue, half of which might as well have been in Czech because I couldn't understand it. Spectators were calling for encores, me, I was looking for a straight razor.

In fact, at times I felt a little like the boy from Hans Christian Andersen's 'The Emperor's New Clothes.' I wondered why no one could see that the cast was completely starkers on stage.

Not that I couldn't appreciate a tune or turn or phrase here or there but "complete magic!" as one critic has written? Complete bullshit. THE EMPEROR HAS NO STORY, people. Yes, I understand musicals can be a little light in the plot department but I've enjoyed other musicals -- Cabaret, Blood Brothers, Chicago, Fiddler on the Roof, Rent. Really, if all I wanted was to hear Irish folk music for two hours, I would have gladly gone to a Van Morrison concert.

 

 

WHY POSTS GO VIRAL: THE MOST INTERESTING THING YOU'LL READ TODAY

"Knowing that emotional arousal contributes to digital contagion should help designers and other creative types craft catchier content (if that's their goal). Public officials might take note, too, especially as they try to distribute information through service announcements that tend to be dry by nature. A public health spot that evokes sadness, for instance, may be less likely to make the rounds than something that causes angst or indignation--though both should be more effective than something safe."

The bottom line? Marketers don't need to start posting pics of cute cats on their Facebook wall but if all they do is transmit safe -- read, boring -- content, they might as well not bother.

More here.