I want to be an American conservative.
I want to cut government program budgets, complain about how lousy those programs are then cut them some more. I want to say I believe in compromise but refuse $10 in budget cuts to $1 in tax increases. I want to reject Obamacare as socialized medicine but support Medicare and Medicaid. I want to call myself a conservative but conserve nothing for the future except the seat I was elected to hold or the show I get to blather on.
want to claim
I'm pro-woman but stop
women from controlling their own bodies and demean them any chance I
I want to tell gays they can't get married then have affairs and get divorced. I want to condemn gay people as immoral then go to public bathrooms to get my rocks off with other men – or boys.
baby, I want to be a conservative.
I want to obsess about the lives of zygotes but adopt policies that leave children hungry. I want to claim I'm pro-life but buy more guns and fry more people in the electric chair.
want to question
people's patriotism then open offshore
bank accounts in the Cayman Islands so I don't have to pay my fair share of
taxes. I want to hold Swiss citizenship
and flirt with (or marry) a secessionist
but question where the President is born because he is black and has an Arabic middle
name. I want to condemn left-wing albeit egomaniacal
democratically elected leaders (with oil) but kiss ass and hold
hands with right-wing, theocratic thugs (with oil) and with financial
ties to 9/11 terrorists. I want to dodge drafts when I'm young
then send troops to fight, die and be maimed in wars when I'm old.
I want to reproach Mexican-born workers for coming to America illegally while conveniently forgetting my ancestors arrived unannounced and stole the same land from natives. I want to oppose illegal immigrants but ironically be descended from illegal immigrants or hire some to keep my lawn(s) tidy.
Quiero ser un conservador.
I want to say I believe in Jesus but help the rich get richer, you know, just like Jesus would have wanted. I want to tell young people to pick themselves up by their bootstraps but take government handouts when I can get away with it.
I want to reject global warming and evolution because there's apparently just not enough evidence but mindlessly espouse the tenets of a book written 2,000 years ago about a guy whose mother was a virgin and who rose from the dead.
Holy moly, do I ever want to be a conservative.Don’t you?