I WANT TO BE A CONSERVATIVE.

I want to be an American conservative.

I want to cut government program budgets, complain about how lousy those programs are then cut them some more. I want to say I believe in compromise but refuse $10 in budget cuts to $1 in tax increases. I want to reject Obamacare as socialized medicine but support Medicare and Medicaid. I want to call myself a conservative but conserve nothing for the future except the seat I was elected to hold or the show I get to blather on.

Doggonit, I want to be a conservative.

I want to condemn teen pregnancy but gut prevention programs, fight against condom use and oppose sex education.

I want to claim I'm pro-woman but stop women from controlling their own bodies and demean them any chance I get.

I want to tell gays they can't get married then have affairs and get divorced. I want to condemn gay people as immoral then go to public bathrooms to get my rocks off with other men – or boys.

Yeah baby, I want to be a conservative.

I want to obsess about the lives of zygotes but adopt policies that leave children hungry. I want to claim I'm pro-life but buy more guns and fry more people in the electric chair.

I want to question people's patriotism then open offshore bank accounts in the Cayman Islands so I don't have to pay my fair share of taxes. I want to hold Swiss citizenship and flirt with (or marry) a secessionist but question where the President is born because he is black and has an Arabic middle name. I want to condemn left-wing albeit egomaniacal democratically elected leaders (with oil) but kiss ass and hold hands with right-wing, theocratic thugs (with oil) and with financial ties to 9/11 terrorists. I want to dodge drafts when I'm young then send troops to fight, die and be maimed in wars when I'm old.

I want to reproach Mexican-born workers for coming to America illegally while conveniently forgetting my ancestors arrived unannounced and stole the same land from natives. I want to oppose illegal immigrants but ironically be descended from illegal immigrants or hire some to keep my lawn(s) tidy.

Quiero ser un conservador.

I want to say I believe in Jesus but help the rich get richer, you know, just like Jesus would have wanted. I want to tell young people to pick themselves up by their bootstraps but take government handouts when I can get away with it.

I want to reject global warming and evolution because there's apparently just not enough evidence but mindlessly espouse the tenets of a book written 2,000 years ago about a guy whose mother was a virgin and who rose from the dead.

Holy moly, do I ever want to be a conservative.

Don’t you?

Comments

[John Shannon]

Try as I might, my head just won't fit up my own ass.

Alas... I cannot be a conservative. ;)

[HilliardPatriot]

You have no idea what conservatives think and believe. You have heard the lies perpetrated by the media and swallowed them hook, line and sinker. Do you even know any true conservatives or do you just condemn them all without discussing their beliefs?

Your "party of tolerance" is anything but... Conservatives are "not allowed" to hold their beliefs and cannot talk about them without being called stupid or racist or being told they infringe on others rights.

We just want to be left alone to work hard, enjoy our families and worship our God. We want everyone to have the chance to work equally hard towards success.

The politicians you believe represent conservatives are not conservative for the most part. Very few are true conservatives - the rest have succumbed to Washington cronyism.

Maybe you should start thinking for yourself and stop running with the lemmings who are taking our country over the cliff.